i made alex want me today ....
i was just playing around though, i didnt mean anything sexually by it

i love him like a brother

i hugged him and just to tease him (i just wanted to see his reaction) i rubbed his back

V grabbed me frum behind and i thought it was J, she slapped my ass twice, i got turned on, cuz i thought it was J....

I've recently become a bit obsessed with Brooklyn-based band Plushgun, after hearing their first single, "Just Impolite" (video below). Even their EP has only whet my appetite for the full-length album due in February.

On Tuesday night, I got to see them play a small club date on their first-ever West coast tour, and was equally impressed with what I heard (despite the audio problems with the gig, and the guitarist sitting in the back of the stage on a chair with food poisoning).

Dan Ingala, the main guy behind the band, got the San Francisco crowd dancing despite these issues, because you could still tell the material was strong. I detect a bit of a Pet Shop Boys vibe in his music, but he also likes to hear that guitar cut in and rip it up beautifully, as in "How We Roll," which showcases the balance of electronic influence and rock guitar nicely.

You can check out more of their music on MySpace. It's definitely worth the time...

http://www.myspace.com/plushgun

" Of course you know the difference between 'lose' and 'loose', 'their' and 'there' and 'too' and 'to'. However, these are typical examples of words that are often mixed up in writing because they are spelled or pronounced in more or less the same way. In order to prevent these mistakes, it can be very useful to focus your attention to these words once more. Compare answers with a partner when you have finished.

1. I advice/advise you to stop smoking.
2. Everybody excepted/accepted the new situation.
3. I don't know where/were you are going exactly, but I'd like to come too/to.
4. If you choose/chose that diet, I'm not sure whether you will really lose/loose weight.
5. I wonder/wander if he's really going to their/there wedding. "

This goes on for an entire page. And that is my homework for Monday, for English. While I am in the last form of the highest level of secundary education possible. I mean, seriously!! "I wander if he's really going to there wedding"? "The dog scratched it's back to get rid of the fleece"? Are they kidding??!

Oh, and apparently Dutch Santa Claus is on our team. This girl in my class was singing a Christmas song today, and I was like, but we still have Sinterklaas! (5th of december. something kind of the same. there's this very old guy (but he's not fat) with a beard and red clothes and all and he comes from Spain, where he lives with all these people who help him (although they aren't elves), and each year he comes to Holland by boat with all his helpers and puts things in childrens shoes when they give something for his horse (he has a horse on which he rides over the roofs to bring gifts), like a carrot or so. And they get to make lists with things they want which he brings by in a big bag on the 5th of December, which is his birthday. It's all really far-fetched, I know, but hey, so is Santa Claus, right? At least we don't have flying reindeer. xD )

And she was like, Sinterklaas is gay. And then one of my friends stood up for me (because it's really ridiculous how often she thinks something's gay. And I know I'm overreacting to people doing that, but it just bothers me and someday I will be able to say something in response to things like that). But still, it annoys me. ("annoys" is an understatement. I can't stand her. I hate her. I can't bear to be in the same room with her. Etcetera.)
My friend looked at me kind of shocked, by the way, because it'd been the first time she'd even noticed this girl saying it. Normally when I tel my friends that people say stupid stuff, I feel like they think I'm making it up. I'm not. They say stuff all the time. She was like, "what? why are you saying that?" and then she looked at me all weird, and all I could do was give her a well-there-you-have-it-expression. So welcome to my world.

Wednesday morning I skipped class because I really didn't feel like going to school. And normally I only skip PE. I never skip class. (PE isn't important and it makes me feel like someone who can't even do the most easy things in the world. I mean, I can't run for twelve minutes, which is something we have to do each year for a grade. I can't climb ropes. I can't catch a ball. I'm stupid.)

And this guy sitting next to in English me kept checking on my piece of paper for the right answers. That is even worse. That no one seemd to think the assignment was stupid. Because it is. We're seventeen, we should know this. And I know I'm not perfect, I make mistakes all the time, but if you get to choose between "he took they're advice", "he took there advice" and "he took their advice", after six years of learning English, you shouldn't be doubting.

Or maybe that's just me.

I wonder (I don't wander) how you guys manage not to be depressed. And not to wake up and think the entire day's gonna be useless. Explain to me how you do that. (A)

I'm actually a lot happier than I sound. It's mostly sarcasm, I think.
Anyway, I gotta go, I'm going to a friend's (see. that is something I do doubt about. if the apostrophe should really be there. give me an assignment about that!) place, she's living on herself, for dinner. I have no idea how we'll all fit in the like, ten square meters, the three of us. It's really small there.

see ya!

i just finished my first draft of my research paper. i'm three pages shy.

i don't care.

tomorrow is my longest day. i don't care how much i get done, i'm taking friday off.

sleeeeeeeep now.

caffeine tomorrow. sooooo much caffeine tomorrow.

egh.

I want to cut. I want to throw up. I will go crazy if I don’t do something soon.

Uh oh well... Hello there, first time I've ever written in here, I made this up when i was feeling bad, It's in spanish, and uh its the first time I've wrote something and didn't check the spelling, so uh well here it is:

tan facil te olvidas de mi?
asi de sencillo es dejar de pensar en mi
simplemente soy un pedazo de carne
pero tu querias algo mas grande

tu necesidad, tu lujuria le han ganado a tus sentimientos
simplemente no lo entiendo
a ti lo que te gusta es sufrir, tener la necesidad de problemas sentir
pero por satisfacerte, problemas as dejado en el camino
de los cuales no podran sanar con facilidad, ya que tu no los dejas cerrar

espero que seas feliz,
ya que te as quedado con mi felicidad
pero yo se que tu deseas algo mas,
que es satisfacer tu necesidad

sabes, siempre pienso que e de dejarte ir
pero simplemente no se como se puede dejar de sentir
es la peor tortura, simplemente vivir de ilusiones
y mas cuando e estado tan cerca, te e sentido y consolado

pero que es lo que paso?
simplemente te fuiste sin decir adios
pero al despedirte olvidaste una cosa
que el que se despide, sale por la puerta
para ya nunca regresar, y asi las cosas terminar

y tu preguntas que ha sido de mi?
simplemente sigo aqui
respirando, caminando, recordando
pero sin vivir con una plenitud
simplemente sigo aqui, viviendo en el pasado

el dia en que te olvide sere feliz
pero como e de serlo? si siempre estas ahi
cierro los ojos i te veo, me volteo i me llamas
que es lo que quieres? no te a sido suficiente mi cariño?

espero que te diviertas, ya que eso es lo que querias
simplemente vivir siendo un esclavo
en lugar de ser libre y volar junto a mi
y vivir en esta vida en la que hay que sufrir.

Hey Oasis.

Had my Media exam today. I wrote 1419 words in two hours. I don't know how impressive that is, but here's a rundown.

402 words: The Gun-Slingin' Western Hero (Western genre study)
411: Portrayal of violence in western films (Western genre development)
606: representation of Young Women.
Hells yeah! I think my Representaion essay got into a bit of a rant at the end, but I get all worked up about it, I can't help it.

Maths exam on monday and if I don't study my left butt cheek off I'm gonna fail. Oh boy! And then chemistry, and then I can burn my uniform and I'll be done forever! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDDDDD

I dreamed about a random african-american guy named Malcolm. He was pretty.... *drool,drool*

Where are you Malcolm? *sniffle*

I love you all!!!

Well, I've come to find out that I'm gonna be seeing a LOT more snow this year than the years before. Seeing as we moved recently(we moved more up north) and it's been snowing the past few days. Lots of snow! Which I love, because well I love the snow. I love watching it from my bedroom window. Well, I love it until I have to start taking the bus to go everywhere.

So, yeah. My dad sorta threw this idea at me the other day. He asked me if I would want to take this workshop that would help me figure out what I want to do job/career wise and I was like um.....ok. So yeah apparently I'm gonna do it. Part of me does want to do it because I'm still not totally sure what I want to do for the rest of my life. Although I'm pretty sure I want to work with animals. I always have been an animal person. I've always had pets(3 dogs, 1 cat, 2 Guinea pigs, lots of fish, a rabbit, and I think we had a bird at one point when I was younger). At the moment though we only have the 2 dogs, my cat's still alive(You wouldn't believe it but she's a little bit older than me she's 21 years old....she's like 100 in cat years lol) but my brother took her when we moved. Anyways about the workshop it should be helpful.

And to end on a delightful note. It's only 40 days(I believe) till Christmas. Yay!!! I have a feeling it's gonna be a lot better than the past couple years. Which makes it nice to look forward to it:D

I haven't really thought that much about anything today. I just feel like I could die. I mean, I knew that my dad would always choose Sheri over me, but to have him not deny it, I don't know. So I'm not going to go to therapy with him anymore. I can't handle it. I just want to put that part of my life behind me. I don't want to have it be brought back up to slap me in the face every tuesday.

I know what that means though, and thats really hard. My brother will hate me, I'll never see my sister again. When I saw her on tuesday I almost started crying again. She is so sweet. there is something so purely good about her. And it hurts me more than I can say to know that she will become one of those shallow people. Or worse, she'll end up like me, and have to deal with all this pain, and she won't have a mom to escape to. She smiles so easily. She doesn't talk very much, but I swear she is the happiest baby anyone has ever seen.

Throughout my time inprisoned in my self inflicted torture by living at my dads house, she and I bonded more deeply than I can say. At that point in my life, what I really needed wasn't solmeone to listen, although that would have been nice. All I really wanted was someone to be there. To notice that I existed. She did. She was all wrapped up in her old world, the one you see before you can be shamed into confining yourself into the world most of us see now. And for a little while, she allowed me to be there too. I existed outside myself. I had a reason, a purpose. I could make her happy. I could take care of her. She was m everything. She won't get that I don't think.

Sheri loves her. my dad loves her. But they're to integrated into their world to see into hers. I'm not special, I'm not, I don't always understnad her. SHe wouldn't be better off with me for a mother. They love her. They'll be good parents, bvut they won't see her the way I do. They won't see into her world. I was so lonely, I reached out for anything that could let me escape my world. So I was able to get into hers.

I love her. I love her. God, I love her. And I cry because I'm never going to see her. I have no claim to her. She won't know me. She won't know how much she will always mean to me. She will get older, and she will forget me. Maybe they'll tell her about me, but I can't blame them if they don't. Maybe she'll see pictures of me.

I'll put myself through this torture. I'll smile and bear it. I'll go see my dad every tuesday. I'll start to see him outside of it sometimes to. Hell, I might even move back in, if it means I'd get to be part of her life. I'd do anything for her. I love her. God, I love her. I want her to know me. I'll do anything for her. I want her to be happy, I want her to love me. Because I love her, so much. because I need her. Because she was there for me, when I needed her, when no one else was. All before she could talk. She saved my life before she could talk, and she won't remember it. She won't remember me. So I have to. I have to go back, and go through this with my dad. I'm not going to move back in. I don't yet hate myself enough to do that. But I don't see if I have a choice. I can't have her not know me. I can't live with myself if I do.

But I can't. I can't love them. I can't live there. I can't. It'll kill me. It almost did once aleready. It took me three years to get myself out. And it still makes me have all these feelings, all this time later. I'm honestly impressed that I didn't cry at school today. Not that I'm complaining. I hate crying in front of people, but I would have liked to be able to talk to my friends. I couldn't. Not really. No, thats not true, I could, they'd get it, and be really great. But, I didn't want to talk about it. I stopped crying, so I'm going to go before I start again. I hope your life is going better than mine. Bye.

...let's call her B. She's in my tech theater class and sits next to me a lot. Whenever we get out of class early I find her out in the theater lobby playing the piano. Once I put my hand on her shoulder and told her she was hopelessly predictable :-) and when she reached up and touched my hand it was like... all this warmth and energy passing between us. It was awesome.

Then she touched my arm in class today — saying hello, I think — and not only did the same thing happen, but I actually got butterflies in my stomach. Not "oh no huge test today" type butterflies, which are the kind I usually get — good butterflies.

She has hugged me a few times, but I don't think it's specific to me — she seems to be the type who hugs all her friends (not that I mind; it's such a sweet way to be).

We were talking for a couple minutes after class today and it turns out she likes playing guitar even better than playing piano — and I started guitar lessons last month! So she says not to let her forget and we'll play together sometime. :-)

I don't know if she's in a relationship already or even if she's gay. She's pretty though. I've been trying to think if I could ask her to hang out sometime so we get to know each other better outside of class, at least...

...of course, it also turns out she's going on a study abroad in Spain next semester. :-(

On my first day of work on Monday a tray of fish fell from the fridge onto my toe, leaving me standing in an avalance of cod. On Tuesday I limped.

I also left my keys in the locker room. I realised this in front of my door. The housemates were either out or ignoring my knocking and so I had to go all the way back to Canary Wharf. It poured on the way to and from the station. When it's closed the shop becomes a nightmare building- you know, one of those endless buildings, strangely lit that crop up in bad dreams where corridors never end and doors disappear. I walked around and around the warehouse, up and down fire-escapes until I found the night manager holding court like a maffia don on the shopfloor, with my keys on her table. It was midnight by the time I was back home for the second time.

Canary Wharf sparkles. Even the river looks impersonal and glittery. Glass office blocks are like x-rays of buildings. Someone from the university who also works in the shop with me finds it very glamourous. I'm not sure. Even if I worked in an office- not fist deep in fish gut- I'm not sure I'd be as seduced as he is just being there.

I'm a bit tired and maybe won't write much tonight, except for the fact that I love the Women's Society and it's amazing to meet so many feminists. And that I am a tiny bit in love with the officer of the society and can't actually talk to her. It's so schoolgirl I could die. I'd write her name in the margins of my homework diary. If I still had one. I forget words and can't look her in the eye. It all makes me look a bit insane. I think she's the sort of person people write poems for. She's that good.

I wish I was better at life.

I have lost weight. I scrutinised myself in the mirror tonight. I thought I looked alright; a bit fat in a nice way, or a bit nice in a fat way. But I didn't have my glasses on. I'd like someone to ask for a second opinion. Some other night. Maybe I'll meet someone nice. Another night.

this is me writing a journal instead of an eight page research paper.

this is me listening to dresden dolls.

this is me considering a story.

this is me trying to think of a story.

this is me trying to recover from feeling like i did a billion push ups.

it was so freaking COLD today.

like, really, really cold.

two and a half weeks. wow...

i can't believe it's almost over.

V is suppossedly having problems at home (child abuse, no really), so she's running away w/ J....

"you can go but dont take the one girl that holds my heart in her hands!"

i told V tht im not looking for a relationship right now, she said "then when is my one night stand gonna be?" i might just make out with her, to get rid of all that tension, hell i might even think about J while im doin it.

i sound cold and heartless, but the truth is that a person who is happy on the inside could be the most sad and depressed person that you know.

i think im a player, xD imagine quiet me a player hah!
in my dreams
im officially gonna join band, Alex (aka A) [bad me saying his name!]is gonna show me how to read music.

im gonna be apart of an affair with E (apparently she has a gf) i asked my friend and she said to "go with the flow" whatever happens happens.

"i cant stand here and watch the love of my life just walk away"

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=136126

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, THOUGH MORESO FOR CHICKS

***********************************************************

COUNTERPOINT, JUST AS FUNNY:

http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/members/forum.cgi?read=21791...

For you young ones, listen up (if you're going to college anyway)

Roommates are hell

I got stuck rooming with some chick I don't really know, and so far it's been fucking terrible. She stays up soo late, sleeps so fucking late. If I'm trying to sleep, she lowers the volume of the tv, but it's still so fucking loud. She'll keep the light on and be loud as hell. She's always in the room watching tv. She's also such a neat freak that she applauded me when I cleaned my side of the room, like I'm some baby. And the thing that bothers me most? The room temp. Even if I'm in the room and I have it set to the way I like it, she always comes in and changes it to her liking. It wouldn't be so bad except that she always wants it to be the artic zone. She uses the AC IN THE WINTER. Like, it's already flurried here and it's been constantly high 20s low 30s weather, yet she always has the AC on full blast. WTF???!!!

If you go to college, don't be inconsiderate and be a good roommate. And I hope none of you get stuck with a fucking crazy roommate.